Sometimes it’s like I just don’t know how I’m supposed to feel. I mean I’m not sad or like majorly depressed, but for some reason today I don’t quite feel normal either. At work right now so I’ll try and remember to post later.
So here I am updating this post. I’ve actually been feeling this exact same feeling for a while now. If you’ve read any post of mine where I mentioned a girl named Panda, sadly we’re no longer keeping in touch. She said something to me that has sat me down for a minute. We we’re leaving group like almost a month ago now and she made a statement and said to me, “I’d rather you relapse on heroin and stick a needle in your arm then to take a Xanax”!! Seriously!!! Like I was speechless and taken aback by her brutal honesty of it all. Why? Because I know I’d die as soon as I chose to push the plunger home. So like is that what she wants? For me to die?
No, honestly she doesn’t want me to die but she does wanna keep me sick just like she is. I have a job and make my money to spend on anxiety meds off the street. She has no job to speak of other than cleaning her house for her partner so he’ll have a nice clean home to come to after work. So when I spend a couple hundred on myself and it doesn’t go to her drug of choice it pisses her off. The last couple of days I’ve only realized the amount of shit and drama she spout’s from her lips with every breath she takes. She even took it as far as lying about beating up her old best friend. Saying it happened so fast there wasn’t time for her to even react. There was blood every where… Tell me this then. (Like the joker, riddle me this) why when I show with this so called best friend and mentioned this to her saying my apologies along with it, she died laughing you guys and had no clue what I was even talking about. She told me that Panda has never put her hands on her in the 20+ years they’ve known each other. My mouth literally hanging wide open catching flies ppl you guys hear me. To go as far as putting it out there to everyone that she beat this woman up when it never happened… She needs extreme help. Help that I just can’t give her anymore. In the process of trying to help her I’ve almost gotten myself sick all over again. It’s Tina for tough love and from a distance at that. Emotionally strained and drained and stressed TF out. I’m keeping my head up though. I guess that’s why I’m so interested in psychology. To try to understand ppl like her. That lie and spout drama such as in the example I’ve just given you here.
I just wanted to help her stop using. I even got her into the same clinic as me. Now though, we’re as separate as any estranged friends could ever be. My choice to post on the manner she’s choosing to cope by acting out like that, isn’t keeping me sick, it’s keeping me aware. Ever reminding me that you can never fully trust or know ppl like you think you really do. Why can’t I find a friend, that just wants to be friends for the sake of being friends without drugs involved. Ugh!! I’m so over it you guys. I’m a survivor. I don’t have to live like that no more and I refuse to go backwards. So I’m loving from a distance. Keep me in your prayers and thoughts and I’m open to anything anyone suggests. I need feedback from you guys. Much needed.