Random Thoughts…

So I’m sitting here this morning with things swirling inside my brain as usual. I pick up my phone and see a Snapchat message from my daughter. I open it up to read it and see that she’s sent me a pic of the outfit she’s decided to wear to school today. It just happens to compliment the fact she’s pregnant and show off her baby bump very well. Even though she’s only started showing. I look at her and think to myself where has the time gone? I berate myself all over again when I see the beautiful young woman she’s grown up to be. However, the past is right where it should be. In the past. I guess it’s still something I have yet to forgive myself for. Even though she and my son have already. I just feel like the words, “I’m sorry”, aren’t good enough to say when it comes to asking for forgiveness for being absent for the most important times of their lives.

I remember the beginning of me getting to know her all over again when I came home in October 2018. I was home in time for her 16th birthday. Man was she ever surprised. It was one birthday wish she had that finally came true. So needless to say when she decided she wanted to move in with me it was of course a “Hell Yes”. Then when Mother’s Day rolled around I was in pure heaven being with my kids and my husband again. However when Father’s Day rolled around and I seen the social media posts from her to her father, I became somewhat jealous. Here I was trying to tell her about things from her childhood and how close we actually used to be, when I started seeing pictures she posted of her father holding her as a little baby. It caused a fire to start burning within me to make it a point to ask her if she had ever been told anything about me while she growing up. Other than the fact that I was an addict and had been locked up most of her childhood. Her response was that she doesn’t remember really. She knows she was, she just can’t say how recent of how often.

As you can imagine I was highly upset. I took it kind of personal. I couldn’t believe he hadn’t kept up his end of the promise we made. Especially knowing how much I loved him and wanted nothing more than to have his child (I’ve never wanted nothing as much as I wanted that in my life. I don’t think). When I first met her father it truly was love mat first sight. (A lot of lust at first sight too). My son was almost 1 year old and his sperm donor father had abandoned us right when I found out I was pregnant, so I had been raising him on my own already. So when I met B (that’s what I’ll call him instead of putting his name out there) and I saw how good he was with kids in general, I knew he’d be the perfect man to be a father to my boy.

How young women dream the dreams of a knight in shining armor coming to rescue them. Pity it hardly comes true. However when it does, it’s so amazingly beautiful that you have to pinch yourself to make sure your not dreaming. Yeah. It was like that for me when I met him and we locked eyes. I found out he was currently separated from his baby momma so I made my move. It went back and forth between her and I for almost 2 years. A lot of upset moments I went through to make him mine. I got him though. Plus all his toxicity. He appeared to make himself an open book with me. The first night we hung out together we stayed up all night talking. I didn’t know that I was the only sober one though.

Anyways…as time goes on and the years go by we were well known together. Where someone saw him I was usually right behind. Or vice versa.

It all came to a bitter end and I had many things going on in my head and several mental disorders that lead up to me being alone again. I could never get my head right for many years after that. I had to make the ultimate sacrifice on my part. I needed his help. Instead of me raising my children, they were raising me. I hated to admit that. However I didn’t have my shit together as he did. Rather as he appeared to have.

I called and checked on her and my son both all the time. Even when I went to prison I wrote letters and drew pictures and mailed it to them. My son came back home to stay with me when he was 10 years old. He continued staying with my husband during my incarceration. Greg (my husband) raised him into the man he is today. When Nick chose to stay with me instead of going back to Georgia was the last time B was involved in his life. Even though he’s all he’s known as a father figure growing up, raised together with his daughter, and had done been calling him dad since he was like 3 years old. He never picked up the phone to call and speak to him or check on him since. Hence the daddy issues he now has.

When I would ask my daughter questions about certain things we did together all the time she’d tell me she doesn’t remember unless she see’s a picture of us being together. That triggers her memory. I was left speechless when she finally opened up and told me the things she’d been through that she wouldn’t have had I of been there for her. She also told me she wasn’t calling no one else mom or dad. It only turned to shit when her dad and whatever female he was with would get into it and end up breaking up. There was always alcohol and drugs involved. Never in front of her though (thank God for small miracles).

I finally told her, after he freaked out one night, that he’s always been that way just not around her. He was violent when he was high. I called him out that night to. Right in front of our daughter. She had the right to know why he had just got done telling my husband “I’ll always be his business”. That he was just putting that out there. I couldn’t believe it. Was he making a last ditch attempt at trying to get me back? If so he went about it the most insane way. I looked him dead in the eyes and said to him, “Your high and trying to start shit where there ain’t no shit”. He couldn’t say nothing after that. He took the defensive stance and started denying it of course. Saying that he wasn’t. I went to go walk out. Back to the truck where Greg was waiting. He had enough and walked out on him also. I put my hand on the door knob and had only just cracked the door, when out of no where he swooped in and slammed it shut. Keeping me inside with him and our daughter. He started screaming at me. Pointing back and forth between him and our daughter. Saying, “It’s always been ride or die. Ride or die”. If he was seeking a pat on the back or looking for a compliment, I quickly gave it to him. I said “Thank you. Thank you for raising our daughter when I couldn’t be there for her. You have done a great job”.

I finally got away from him and out of the apartment. Back in the truck to my safety. My husband. This happened in June.

I don’t have to wonder if she knows anymore. She can now tell on her own when he’s high. We have created so many knew and wonderful memories together. I asked her if she wanted to know why there weren’t many pictures of her and I when she was a baby. I told her it was because I was the one who was always behind the camera. Taking in every moment I could when he was home with us. Once he was introduced to making money the fast way. It was over with at that moment. I made him choose between the drugs and his family. At the time he was too far gone to do the right thing. So I packed up all my belongings. Took the kids ,and we moved to a new area and tried to start making new memories. In a new home where we didn’t know anyone and no one knew us.

Fast forward to this year in 2021.

My son will be 21 in December and she’ll be 18 next month in October. She’s also expecting. Due in February 2022. She’s having a little boy and his name is going to be Adrian Neal. She chose to give her son, her fathers middle name. I know she’s going to be a wonderful mother. I have no doubts or worries about her ability to care for her child. She’ll instill in him all the right and proper things she wants for him. I already have chosen the name “GG”. That’s what I want my grandkids to call me. Has a ring to it for me.

I have been through so many up’s and downs throughout my life. As I’m sure everyone has at some time or another. However…if I could choose to go back and do things over again. Knowing what I know now. I wouldn’t change a thing. Because if I did I wouldn’t be the person I am today. Being a responsible adult finally. Knowing how to manage money and pay bills. I’m the way I am now because of serving those 4 years in prison. I’ve retained a lot of wisdom and knowledge over the years that has made me a better person. A better mother. A better spouse whose loving and understanding. One that walks away from arguments instead of starting them. To be able to live without drama in my life instead of being in the middle of it.

Showing my kids that momma is doing the damn thing now. Being able to provide for them when they need things. Hell, even if they just want it. I now can do those things and I owe it all to my higher power and my loving and supportive family. Especially my husband. He has been put through hell since he’s been with me. He’s earned every grey hair he’s sporting on his head. I have obtained the knowledge he’s passed down to me teaching me the responsibilities of managing money and paying bills. Man…life is so much better these days. I have no worries and I want for absolutely nothing, and either does my family.

It started out as being one thing I wanted to talk about, and has turned into a whole bunch of rambling bullshit, but it’s off my chest and out of my head finally. Maybe now I’ll stop repeating myself so much.

Random Thoughts…

By tallgirl07

I have always loved expressing myself through words. I have been a bookworm since I started reading I think. So expressing myself through writing has forever been super easy for me. Now if I could just teach everyone who didn't know how, how to read, then they'd be able to read all the fascinating literature out there. I'd go crazy if I couldn't curl up to a good book on a rainy day if I wanted to. I work with the public. So I was outside a couple days ago typing away on my 2nd hand chrome book, and a nice gentleman started conversation about how long it took to charge. I said not long for an older model. He said he knew, about the older model I was working with. I proceeded to tell him I was trying my hand at writing a book. He turned out to be an avid bookworm himself. He gave me nothing but encouragement to finish the book. I like to tell myself I can do anything. But we all know how some people should just stick to their profession, well I'm gonna keep trying. I won't stop until I know without a shadow of doubt I can't succeed. Then maybe I'll put my pencil down, or in my case now, close my chrome book for good. Something tells me I won't have to just yet though.

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