Ugh!! Depression and Anxiety Suck SOOO BAD!!!

Well I’m at the clinic for group today. I really need it so bad. I’m gonna try not to take up this entire group session with my probs like I did last week. It’s crazy to think I thought I’d never be sober. The past 2 weeks have been so stressful. Not only with work, but at home too. I recorded about a 10 minute video clip of myself venting about the things that I have been going through. I have been thinking about posting it really. I’ve watched it repeatedly and the more I watch it and listen to it. Hearing myself venting and bitching very calmly, isn’t something I have ever done before. I have always been loud. I think it runs in the family for real. As I sat watching this video again, the more it made sense for me to go ahead and post. o while thats in the process of uploading my son just pulled up on his scooter from me “MAKING” him get off his damn game system, and go and get his money so that my husband can put up to go towards his own place to live. When he moved in from getting kicked out of him and his roommates apartment over his room being dirty, I didn’t believe it. The reason he was kicked out I mean. I know that all teen/adult, whatever, has had messy or dirty bedrooms. For him to be kicked out of a stable living environment over something so petty is what I was meaning. He told me all about it. I remember asking where his bed was when he first came back home. He told me that they piled everthing in his room up on his bed and they ruined it. It was no longer usable. Not right then at the time did I think for one moment he was in the wrong about their reason for kicking him out. That is until he moved back in with me. Back home with mom and dad. Don’t get me wrong now, he’s my child and I know how he has a tendancy to be and act. Just because he’s my kid don’t mean I’ll cover for him. Especially when he’s in the wrong. Well I can tell you with 100% truth and absolute, that’s exactly why he was kicked out. We are constantly on him here about keeping his room clean. Actually my daughters room that he was only supposed to be borrowing, for a short time of course. Here it’s been over a year already and he don’t even have $300 saved towards getting his own place. So I have been talking to him on days he comes to my room after work. I have evn asked if he were afraid to live on his own. Of course he said no. I have to give him more tough love. I know I do. Here the past couple weeks I have been a little more pushier I guess you could say. Not like “hurry up and get the hell out” kinda pushy. In him saving his entire paycheck except for his smoking habit, and rent, and gas money, maybe a little pocket change. Since he was just given a raise to $10.50 (which I don’t see how only because of what I see him like at home. lazy as hell) he’ll be making way more on his take home pay than he was when he was just at minimum wage being $7.75 an hour. He should have had enough money saved up by now, seeing it has been over a year since he’s been staying with us, for a first months rent or deposit on a place or hell even both. Now that he’s been living here I have had a chance to see how he lives first hand. Just like he did as a boy growing up and keeping a messy room only now that he’s an adult it’s like 10x worse than I have ever seen his room as a kid. I was literally at a loss for words when I seen first hand how dirty he had been living in that bedroom. He thought I was dissappointed when I seen it, but I told him if his dad seen it that he’d be way more upset and aggrivated than me. Did he listen? Hell no. Of course my husband seen it and boy when he did he told him there was absolutley no reason for him to live, how did he put it, in such squaler (not sure on that spelling with that word). It was all true. See I never spoke to his roommates mother. She was the landlord over them both. He kept telling me that his roommates bedroom was way worse than his. I find that highly doubtful and if it is true, then she’s no better than him for it. Finally, I have gotten most of what I have wanted to talk about out. It’s only taken me all freaking day. It’s now 8pm and I’m headed to my bedroom to have some dwn time. Maybe I’ll draw a little. Nevermind on that note. Husband just claimed the room first. He’s going to bed, when he was just sleeping on the couch. So I guess I’ll be staying in the livingroom a little while longer. Write later. Goodnight and God Bless you all. I’m off work tomorrow as well so I’ll try an remember to finish up what I was wanting to really do.

By tallgirl07

I have always loved expressing myself through words. I have been a bookworm since I started reading I think. So expressing myself through writing has forever been super easy for me. Now if I could just teach everyone who didn't know how, how to read, then they'd be able to read all the fascinating literature out there. I'd go crazy if I couldn't curl up to a good book on a rainy day if I wanted to. I work with the public. So I was outside a couple days ago typing away on my 2nd hand chrome book, and a nice gentleman started conversation about how long it took to charge. I said not long for an older model. He said he knew, about the older model I was working with. I proceeded to tell him I was trying my hand at writing a book. He turned out to be an avid bookworm himself. He gave me nothing but encouragement to finish the book. I like to tell myself I can do anything. But we all know how some people should just stick to their profession, well I'm gonna keep trying. I won't stop until I know without a shadow of doubt I can't succeed. Then maybe I'll put my pencil down, or in my case now, close my chrome book for good. Something tells me I won't have to just yet though.

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